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Divorcing Your Scale: The Final Addiction
By 6wd | February 13, 2008
[Okay. Start with a huge orchestra playing dark, low, minor chords.....and then bring in one of those scary choirs they always have in scary movies, where they bark out little "AH"(pause)"AH" (pause) "AH" (pause) "AH" things that make you KNOW that, like, Rosemary is about to have her baby, and such......
Got the soundtrack going?
Okay, now add the low, gravel voice of James Earl Jones, saying.....]
“Sooooooooooo…you’ve beaten back all your addictions now, you say? The final frontier was overcoming overeating? Goooooood. Gooooooood.”
[He talks all spooky like that, but cool at the same time, right? He continues.....]
“But nowwwwwwwwww….NOWWWWWWWW it’s time to take the final step on your journey to freedommmmmmmmm………
“It is time……………..
“to…….
“DIVORCE YOUR SCALE!”
[Choir goes wild with the Ah-ah-ah thing, and the orchestra music swells...]
“Your addiction to your scale is the true final battle you must engage in, on your way to complete freedom, complete power over your fears, complete control of your emotions and actions, by the power of…YOUR OWN MIND…”
[Yikes. Maybe I better fire James Earl Jones. He's starting to sound like Darth Vader! But it's too late to get Jerry Seinfeld to do this speech, so Jones will have to continue.]
“Think back, oh earthlings!” [Wait. He's an earthling too, isnt he????]
“Think BACK, I say……..and call to mind….HOW MANY DIETS HAVE YOU GIVEN UP ON IN TOTAL DISCOURAGEMENT………..BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED ON YOUR SCALE?????? A LITTLE NUMBER that appeared, a number that surprised you, a number that depressed you, a number that you didn’t think was fair, a number that left you feeling angry, defeated, and WORST OF ALL………….HOPELESS!
“Even worse, perhaps……… How many mornings–or even entire DAYS–of your precious life have you allowed to be destroyed by ONE ITEM THAT IS IN YOUR HOME…..YOUR SCALE!
“Sadly enough, the number you saw on that scale may not have been telling you what you THOUGHT it was telling you! You THOUGHT it was giving you a report on how well you had done your diet! But the scale was NOT telling you that. It was telling you how much salt you ate yesterday, how much water the salt was retaining inside you, how much muscle you had added by your new exercise program, or it was telling you that your body has a built-in procedure for losing weight over a long period of time…plateaus…. where your body just holds on to its weight, even though you are actually shrinking.
“But YOU in your excited mindset, expected the scale to tell you that you had stayed on your diet, because you knew you HAD stayed on your diet!
“And when you saw the number that the scale gave you, you said to yourself, [Let's use the voice of Spongebob Squarepants for comic relief here] ‘Well, the heck with it! If I can try THIS hard, and all for nothing, why should I keep trying?! I’m just a born not-loser! I could be having a lot more joy in my life if I were eating, but here I’m suffering like this, and LOOK AT THAT NUMBER! IT’S ALL FOR NOTHING!‘ you say.
“When this happens, YOU HAVE FALLEN VICTIM TO THE DISORDER KNOWN AS…
SSO: SCALE SCREW-OVER!
“Your scale has screwed over your valiant courage, your hard work, your struggle toward dominance over your appetites…SSO makes you say
‘SSO WWHAT!’
“at which point you give up and are doomed.
“But there’s good news…..”
[Orchestra music starts to get a little more cheerful. Choir starts to sound a little more like Mister Rogers Neighborhood and a little less like Night of the Living Dead...]
[Suddenly, in walks Jerry Seinfeld, and James Earl Jones goes out for coffee...things lighten up. Jerry continues the speech.]
“Hey everybody. If YOU’RE suffering from SSO, I’m here to tell you that there is only ONE SOLUTION….
DIVORCE YOUR SCALE!
“GET THAT SCALE OUT OF YOUR LIFE! SCALES HAVE RUINED MORE DIETS THAN ALL CANDY BARS, CAKES, AND COOKIES COMBINED!
“You must either throw it away entirely, or give it to a family member, ask them to hide it, and to only give it to you when you absolutely demand it–which should be six months from now, at least! Yes, you heard me right!
“From this day forward, you will use one pair of jeans, or one piece of clothing as your ONLY measure of progress!
“Your weight loss goal will NO LONGER BE A NUMBER BUT A CLOTHING SIZE!
[At this point, the orchestra has swelled into a crescendo of Beethoven's 9th, and the choir is belting out a final chord so high only dogs can hear it. The crowd is on its feet, cheering, screaming. Jerry takes a bow. The red velvet curtain slowly falls. It hit James Earl Jones on the head as he returns from Starbuck's. No one cares. Everyone is rushing home to......]
DIVORCE THEIR SCALES!
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